What is it about cute guys that get me all goo goo gaa gaa? I can’t seem to say no. At the very least I lie through my teeth so not to queer most times… but occasionally if the dilemma of question is already twirling in my head, the cute guy has the convincing factor. The witty ones get the best of me. Must be the dimple… or the grin! The smart metaphors, puns and analogies that rivals mine. It would appear there is a need to address this supposed self-diagnosed fear of rejection. The Jagger with the swag somehow wins me over convincingly. “Wake up Ivan!“
Perhaps it’s not a fear of rejection. Why would London reject me? I’m starting to think it’s actually more a fear of being disappointed. Surely I’m not the only one who experience this… RIGHT??? [would appreciate comments]
As I got on my way after check-in, my mind was riddled with thoughts. The airport was busy but my brain was somewhere else. I have a decision to make. The plan was to have a few days of solidarity after leaving London to clear my head of confusion. Except being alone really “ain’t my thang”. I was in a day dream that the Immigration Officer had to snap me out from my blank face after I handed in my passport. She didn’t look impressed. After going through customs, my instinct was to look for free WiFi. Yet again I find myself obsessed with Facebook. Sigh. …but if it helps make the situation look like I have a tiny bit of self-control, the use of Facebook was mostly only between Alex and I. He had an obvious need to continue our unfinished conversation just before we parted last night [The Magic of London], rudely interrupted by our trains going on opposite directions – I’m not about to ignore him! Afterall, he was the first to private message me (each time) since my arrival. He’s also the one who organised the “catch up” over dinner and drinks with Ani, him and I. Now he is messaging me to offer assistance should I decide to stay in London:
Jason Mraz’s song starts playing in the shop I was in (coincidence?) and was on repeat in my head thereafter:
“Well, you dawned on me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you’re so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
Now I’m trying to get back” – lyrics
The last days of my holiday was supposed to be a self-test on solidarity. No technology allowed! I am obviously not very good at it. I’ve just dug myself in a hole. Stupidly but typically, what do I do? Dig myself a deeper hole of course:
Did I mention he’s an unattainable? I don’t back down from a good challenge:
“Before the cool dawn run out
I’ll be giving it my bestest
And nothing’s gonna stop me but divine intervention.
I reckon, it’s again my turn
To win some or learn some.” – lyrics
It appears innocent enough. Our messages to each other has a friendly yet flirty, “let’s be friends” perception… but now try and see it from my alternative perception and change London to Alex. Remember, this is the Ivan World with many different perceptions/realities concurrently happening at once:
Cute Grin
We’ve been facebook messaging each other ever since.
Image of his face from last night when he looked me in the eyes and grinned as we toast our glasses without the mention of “cheers”, is permanently scarred in my memory. That moment seemed eternity at the time and now it is… I can’t stop giggling thinking about it.
Delusional perception to an extent because Alex currently only ticks one of my three golden rules: love-able but neither date-able and/or fuck-able. Due mainly because he’s already taken.
A little childish but you have to admit, my perception is a lot more romantic and fun… don’t you think?
“Open up your mind and see like me,
Open up your plans and damn you’re free.
Look into your heart and you’ll find love, love, love, love.
Listen to the music of the moment, people dance and sing, we’re just one big family
And it’s our God-forsaken right to be loved, loved, loved, loved, loved” – lyrics
It is a little silly. Alex, a silly 28 year old twinkly eyed cutie, trying to convince a stubborn, self-righteous and arrogant Peter Pan to move to London? Who does he think he is, Wendy Moira Angela Darling!? Although… I’ve always dreamt of living at Kensington Gardens to live among the fairies!
Rogue
He’s more like Rogue from the X-Men if you ask me. He’s even got the little patch of white hair going, which is pretty darn sexy! His attitude is bad girl, raunchy, kick-ass, and gritty persona. A cowboy almost. A bit of a hunk!
I hear my name gets called… my dilemma and deep thinking has gotten me late for boarding. Okay fine, I was fantasizing! [Happy now?] As I buckled myself in preparation for take-off, the fantasy was becoming a nightmare. I have a dilemma. I need to make a decision. I need a drink… especially with the two late 40’s retarded idiots to my right playing video games.
I wondered what kind of drinks they serve on this flight. I wondered what my best friend, Aaron would say. All my friends based in Europe has been constantly trying to convince me to relocate to London. Some I’ve asked and told me it’s a good idea. Some friends have even begged… but all I did was blink and say, “I’m considering it”.
It would appear I wasn’t the only one thirsty for beer. I was seated by the aisle on the right side of the plane and the tall blonde guy (not bad looking but not my type) also by the aisle within the middle seats, two rows in front from where I was, kept requesting for Stella Artois. His brunette older but handsome and a lot more sexier friend sitting behind him who looked like he’s in his late 30s was drinking just as quickly. Assuming he is older because his head studded with grey/white hair. I did the modest thing and got myself Carlsberg instead but I was drinking just as much. Before the in-flight meal was served, during and after. I noticed because surprise surprise I was perving at them. I needed it after realising that the spell of a cute guy’s cheeky smile can affect me again. It hasn’t for a long time. Not since before Dave (ex) with the exception of Nick (recent ex after Dave). The single Ivan is back now 30 but I didn’t know what to make of it…
What type of magic is it? I’m not one to make hasty decisions because due to stubbornness, once I made up my mind and make a decision, it’s usually rock solid. I dwell in deep thoughts and argue all sides and perceptions as would any perfectionist. Besides, it’s not like I know a fairy who would spare some golden dust and sprinkle some on me so I can fly back to London. This Rogue seems to forget that I’m afraid of London. Marriage and babies are metaphors for growing up. The day I left home when mother and father were talking about what I was to be when I became a man. “When I became a man?” An analogy to getting married, owning a house and popping babies? I want always to be a boy and to have fun! Just like 24 year old Darren.
Darren
Darren… I miss him! He’s so cute! Such a twink!
The airplane’s bathroom is finally vacant. The one at front just before the business class seats. All the beer takes its toll. The mirror is telling me that I should take better care of myself. I’m counting how many pimples are on my face and looking at my teeth. I’ve got good teeth. Stained by coffee and cigarettes but straight and the stain is not that bad. I need to shave. My hair is a bit of a mess but I don’t look that bad. I definitely need to look after myself better though.
Jason Mraz is still in my head singing:
“I’ve been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and I laughed.“ – lyrics
Back in my seat I turned my cellphone on. Surprisingly I followed instructions for once and turned it off prior to take-off while on flight-mode. I looked at the messages exchanged with Darren. He accepted my date invitation to the zoo when I get back to Sydney. Whenever that’s supposed to be… He promised! He told me before I left for London that he will wait for me. Alex is seeing someone else anyways. Some Filipino boy. It’s silly for me to think about him. It’s crazy! Darren is a diamond in the rough! At the same time, he’s not one to commit and even requested to take things slow [The Art of Dating Men]. I’m reminded of my pledge to only date one person at a time from now on. There can only be one and Alex is far away… I contemplated the idea of dating one person per city. “Yeah right!”, I said out loud sarcastically but soft enough that no one heard. It’s a figure of speech commonly used in NZ popularized by Tui (beer) advertisements.
“Yeah Right!”
At this point I’m drunk and ready for bed. Thank goodness because I’m a light sleeper and plane noises are too much for me. It has a rusty kind of tone… OMG Rusty!! How could I forget that I promised Rusty I’ll go on a second date with him. I’ve never in my life made a promise I can’t keep. Rusty is the guy I was dating prior to meeting Darren. He’s so easily forgotten. I really need to suck it up and end it with Rusty… even though we only went on one date and there’s nothing to end. I’m dating Darren (period).
I’m still unsure whether Darren finds me attractive… but I’m also not sure about Alex either… my self-confidence is going down, I seem to have drunk a bit too much beer. Tiredness is clouding my thoughts further. London and Sydney… Grown Man and Peter Pan? How has this become Alex versus Darren? There is a clear conflict between realities and dreams. A metaphorical delusion I purposely create to make better sense of the world and personal life decisions. This is the Ivan World. “Wake up Ivan!“
The consequences of London are astronomical! It’s a challenge to say the least. Lower job security, lower pay (practically half), losing my bachelor pad apartment, my furniture and my new set of wardrobe clothes when I decided to replace everything… I have so much stuff accumulated in making a life in Sydney. Will I ever get a walk-in wardrobe again? Not to mention my best friend Aaron, my Sydney friends and new friends I’ve just made. I’ve only been in Sydney for two and a half years. Mum relocated in the comfort that I was in Sydney and can be with her. A pillar of an imaginary foundation. Sydney is only three hours away from NZ if I’m in need to see the family. Rusty… Darren… If I was to choose London over Sydney I would need to save. That means not seeing Ziggy (my snowboard) for yet another year. Travel plans halted. Things I’ve planned to do, complete and achieve. My goals and aspirations while living in Sydney! I love Sydney!! My Never Never Land!!! Why would I want to grow up?
Jason Mraz started singing in my head again:
“But I won’t hesitate
No more, no more.
It cannot wait,
I’m sure.
There’s no need to complicate.
Our time is short.
This is our fate…“ – lyrics
I like a good challenge. Time is the most important thing to me. Like a lightbulb lighting up above my head, I stood up so quickly to the surprise of a couple of people I woke up with my gasp for air and a couple of others who are still awake on this flight.
Time to swallow my pride and face my fears. I’VE DECIDED… “London!”, I said while getting up like waking up from a nightmare… I’m Yours!
There is much to be concerned about but time is short, this is the last opportunity for me to be eligible for UK Working Holiday Scheme… and I’m not getting any younger despite my Peter Pan lifestyle. Now time to think, how should I address each of the consequences of my decision?
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